June 27, 2003

philo @ 2am

i just tried to goto bed... but woke myself. thinking about things... life, past present and future. what i've been... am... and will some day be. yea, another one of those [quasi] deep philosophical moments. not sure where its leading either. i just watched a movie... that i'm damn sure no more than hand full of u have even heard of. shit, even the person its based on... i'd venture no more than the same number of you knowning who he is. although i am not that person, not in his position, even his 'generation'... i can relate to him. does you having not seen this film or heard its story suggest that you the reader are il-educated? certainly not... though it does imply rather that non-mainstream media is overlooked by the majority. thats simply how it is... i'll get over it. its a movie about a sub-culture. and a legend within that group. i myself am in my own respect a member of that same sub-culture. and though in a few short years the times have changed, the intent... the purpose remains the same. society dictates that i am an outcast... because of my pledged membership to this group. in our society outcasts are persecuted... we might not want to openly admit to that... preaching acceptance, understanding. but just stop kidding urself, we as human beings judge. we all walk around with our prejudices... some just handle them better than others. unrelated... but taking advice from alan.

ah, a fresh paragraph, rofl. on with my rant... this sub-culture has its own 'distinguishable' characteristics... most of which though, are not outwardly visable. it has been called a dark corner of society that i and my fellows come from... but this is not in the least an elitist group. membership is not governed upon race, location, age, sexuality, intelligence... or any other discriminatory factor. now, i'd hope that i have you wondering what in the hell it is i am blabbing about... and that will hopefully hold you through until i do divulge that information. in this group of many sisters and brothers i may only know a few, and most i will never know or even know of specifically... yet i know they exist. there are hints... signs... not so much noticed by all... but to a 'member' widely recognized. now i bet ur just thinking i'm some elitist bastard... haha i know what u don't. i do not intend to offend... though we all know what others do not. secrets of life, of existence, of others and ourselves. the rituals of this society are as diverse as its members... although there are some basics. those which i will tell when the time is right.

'where are u taking me?' u might ask... that myself i cannot answer. what u get out of my rantings is yours and yours alone. i intend to inform. to preach, in my own way, about this 'secret' life i live. i would not by this imply that i am out to convert... such things are impossible. although, this is not a life you are born with... its not one you may even die with. although, it is a life you can choose to lead. 'no one can be told what the matrix is...' someone once said that... sarah would kill me if i ever forgot... but that is the general idea here. not to be so wholistic and simple... but no one can be told what this 'society' is... in order to understand it... u must find it on your own. and i know most of you could care less. i've probably lost a few readers... this is beginning to sound like a load of crap isn't it. maybe it is, but this is for me isn't it. for me its far from that. though even i am not sure whether i've strayed from the topic of this rant... but i don't think that i intended to go anywhere. its late... i am rambling.

tragically, all good rants must come to an end. the varying degrees of the membership and depth to which each person is 'involved' in this society are as vast as the members themselves. i am not the others so i may only speak for myself. and here goes... i am: an idler... a chatter... an oper... a peon... a script kiddie... a cracker... a techno-weenie... a programmer... a raver... a theologian... an admin... root... a webmaster... a packet munkey... surfing... riding the 'wave' of technology... a hacker... an internet specialist... a techie... an ubergeek... speeding on the information super highway... a zombie... a hax0r... a scriptor... in plain english (skip to here if u want the spoiler) a geek/nerd. i am all of those at the same time... and not fully able to be distunguished as just one. of varying degrees of course, as it should be. i would never want to be just one of those. its not in me. i am into: multitasking... techno/europop (yes not all electronic music is classified as 'techno')... staying up all hours for absoultely no reason staring intently, or blankly, at this screen... chatting with people that yes i don't know, and never will... reading the fucking manual for the sole purpose of doing something for myself, and by myself... fixing what doesn't need to be... pinging out lamers on dalnet... dccing... compiling... being l33t...re-compiling... all of the things that most would refer to as 'geeky.' and that even more would call unnecessary. i never said it was that. that list could go on ya know... but i do want to maintain some readability here. and oh yea, i love ... i tend to over do those.

this all is part of who i am, its reflected in my daily habits... especially my job. *cough... it is a life i lead apart from 'reality'... and away from the hazards and happenings of the real world. u may think its silly, or just plain laughable... but there are things i have learned from this 'sub-culture' that are nearly impossible to in real life... there is a certain level of understanding and acceptance that goes along with it all. that most, may never know about. choose as u will, it is after all your life to live. and this is mine. so as i holster my keys for the night i'll leave u with one thought of the many i have now: wear sunglasses, cause reality might be brighter and more than you expected. and no one wants to see that stupid look on ur face when u suprise yourself with life. honestly i'm not sure what i am saying now, it being an hour n 20min after i started this entry. oh! i got a better thought: live is long, take it in stride... cause its the only one u got. that i like better... but who knows, maybe u won't. i think its almost laughable that i took the entire length of ur browser window to tell u that i'm a geek... perhaps even a few lengths. well ha! props to kevin mitnick, he's the aforementioned cyberterrorist legend... maybe it'd be good to learn somethin new today and read about his life. all u can do is learn...

_ Johnny

pS: that really was um... something, what i'm not sure. enjoyable none-the-less; adieu

Posted by Johnny at 03:25 AM | Comments (0)

June 23, 2003

need to post

i been busy, and yet again lazy so i just haven't been posting. was just talking with my brother about txt messaging... i find it funny that he is bitching about some girl sending him 5 msgs (at 2cents a msg thats 10cents) while he's sitting at home on his ass, playing computer games cause he's on workers comp still. i was seriously like wtf, i think that water affected his fuckin head somehow. for those of u that don't know, he spilt a pot of boiling water on his feet the nite before his senior prom. with 2nd degree burns on his feet and doped up on codine he went to senior prom the next nite and had a blast. lots of sympathy apparently, way to go bro. haha. other than that i just washed the jetta, and i must say its lookin awefully purdy now. hehe, it sux it being bug season up here. shit was sorta nasty. tomorrow it'll be fully registered n stuff. gotta run to the DMV and all that. had grad. parties wit family this past weekend, that was a hoot. esp since my 42yo uncle came home from a wedding at 9:30pm saturday drunk off his ass, i thought that was supposed to be me doing that kinda shit. but it was funny non-the-less. was watchin mxc anyways, and i was a bit buzzed from the lovely exotic drinks that my aunt always mixes at family gatherings. as always a definate good time. just a minor post i guess, maybe i'll post some philo shit tonite, who knows. lata

_ Johnny

Posted by Johnny at 04:49 PM | Comments (0)

June 20, 2003

rain and humidity

wtf is with the weather around here? someone forget to tell mother nature that its fucking summer time? sorta annoying tho. almost all rain for like 2 weels, then just humidity. not even that hot, just humid. additionally work is rather blah... nothing much to do. but what can ya do. got my car reged and stuff and been drivin it since yesterday. for a 2litre 4cyl it cranks. tons of fun in store for me on that note. additionally i registered for my classes for the fall, finally. didn't get all that i wanted... and they don't have all my shit quite right, but i've got some time to straighten it out before the semester starts. i have an interesting variety of classes to say the least. wanted to take a trail running class... but it didn't fit into my schedule when it was all said and done. to be honest there are quite a few niceties this college has over eastern. i tend to find more and more as i get further into it. most of you at this point know that i am not attending that institution in the fall. or likely ever again. just the way things go i suppose, simply not the place for me. granted i'm sure there are other reasons that need not go into discussion... those even that none of u know about. thats the end of that era tho. on a lotta levels even :P i've learned only too well that college really is 'the place and time for everything.' some people manage to get by unscathed... but is that really living? in my own ways i'm glad i've gone through the life changing moments that i have. i've had to grow up and change a lot about me. and even that is an ongoing process. but for me, life is change. and i wouldn't have it any other way.

_ Johnny

Posted by Johnny at 01:04 PM | Comments (1)

June 18, 2003

hamlet

i decided to post a song earlier... its been in my head all day. even while i was sittin for 2 hours @ my brothers hs graduation. yea 'NFA a priceless pearl' n stuff, some ppl at least think so. sorta quik tho considering they graduated 520something kids. not bad at all. and the weather was nice so, can't complain bout that. i got a few shots of it... maybe i'll post em somewhere, i dunno yet. i setup amy's blog and gallery last nite too, and after a few minor mess ups on her part i think its all set. for those of u that would like to read it and are interested, i'm sure u can ask her about it. and in case u don't know, amy is my ex of 2.5 years. it was also brought to my attention last night that i am a 'hamlet.' apparently a rare breed that is 'always thinking, questioning' and has 'little things tearing them up.' additionally i in particular 'dont seem to want to take things at surface value and are always searching for a deeper meaning and wrestling with that.' well that in a sense pretty much sums me up don't it. i'm that simple, noncomplex, hardly intricate, and easily understood. i value that conversation i had... its basicallly thinking about thinking, meta-thinking, or i'd say commonly refered too as 'philosophy.' so here i am again, back on that philosophical path. from which i cannot bring myself to part entirely, no matter what the given situation is. maybe, just maybe u'll see my name up there with other great philosophers and thinkers (insert great names here). in the future perhaps you'll overhear people discussing some of my great breakthroughs in everyday open intellectual-conversationalism and stimulation. or just maybe u'll fine me spending the rest of my days in a padded isolation cell, cause well ppl think i'm crazy. i am a 'hamlet,' and ya know, thats just good enough for me. i am a slave to tha booty... but thats a discussion for another place and another time. maybe when u kids are a lil more grown up and mature or something. i have although found this to be a release, my keyboard being my medium thru which my creative juices and inner thoughts my flow. gates bless the internet. an open gateway thru which ideas and information and even gossip may flow. allthough an insecure open gateway... now thats asking for trouble. ya know, i really think i am a hamlet. more so than a horatio, a claudius, or any other ill fated character from that shakespearian masterpiece. and that it is, least in my humble opinion. seems fitting now that i look back upon it, memorizing lines from that play, scenes even. maybe its a life role that i am just meant to play. a person i am meant to be. its better than being a lousy 'star-crossed lover.' i mean come on, who really wants to go thru all that 'where-fore art thou... deny thy father and refuse thy name' crap. and u wanna poison and stab urself to death? jeez, i'd rather die from a poison tipped sword any day. having at least figured my whole life out in the matter of five acts, inculding my oh so bloody desntiny. and even if u really think about it, like i do; its not all that likely that u'd actually die that way. seeing as i don't live in the congo or some other tropical rainforest. fortunate for me i suppose. fortunate that i can live out my hamletesque existence. and that i shall til i cannot exist anymore. i feel like i have to quote that play now so... on my rant about thinking i give you:

Seems, madam! nay it is; I know not 'seems.'
'Tis not alone my inky cloak, good mother,
Nor customary suits of solemn black,
Nor windy suspiration of forced breath,
No, nor the fruitful river in the eye,
Nor the dejected 'havior of the visage,
Together with all forms, moods, shapes of grief,
That can denote me truly: these indeed seem,
For they are actions that a man might play:
But I have that within which passeth show;
These but the trappings and the suits of woe.

and upon that note dear cuz, and thine that are not of that walk, i bid you, adieu

_ Johnny

Posted by Johnny at 12:15 AM | Comments (1)

June 17, 2003

dedicated

I have a dream of a scene between the green hills
Clouds pull away and the sunlight's revealed
People don't talk about keeping it real
It's understood that they actually will
And intoxicated and stimulated emcees
Staring in the trees, paranoid, or caught in the breeze
Watch them flee, hip-hop heads
Take a walk with me and what you'll see
Is a land where the sand is made up of crushed up wax
And the sky beyond you is krylon glue
And everybody speaks in a dialect of rhyme
And emcees have left materialism behind them
Meanwhile I just grip my mic
And hope me and my team make it through alright
Because say what you will, and say what you might
But don't ignore who it's for at the end of the night

Because this is dedicated to the kids
Dedicated to where the music lives
Dedicated to those tired of the same old scene
And dedicated to the people advanced in the game
What's real is the kids who know that something's wrong
What's real is the kids who think they don't belong
What's real is the kids who have nowhere to run
Who are hiding in the shadows waiting for the sun

I've seen a lot of shit, I've talked to a bum
Out on sunset strip, he asked me "How would you feel
If everybody acted like you didn't exist
You'd lose your grip, probably eventually flip."
So let it be known, the only reason that we do this
So that you can pick it up and just bang your head to it
While emcees fight to see who can be the commonist
Be floatin overhead like a space odyssey monolith
Over seeing the game, over being part of the same old thing
It's all gonna change in a hurricane of darkness and pain
And acidic rain and promises that you won't do it again
Meanwhile I just grip my mic
And hope me and my team make it through alright
Because say what you will, and say what you might
But don't ignore who it's for at the end of the night

Because this is dedicated to the kids
Dedicated to where the music lives
Dedicated to those tired of the same old scene
And dedicated to the people advanced in the game
What's real is the kids who know that something's wrong
What's real is the kids who think they don't belong
What's real is the kids who have nowhere to run
Who are hiding in the shadows waiting for the sun

Pulling me close, the shadow is warm inside
This is where I feel at home, this is my place to hide
Pulling me close, the shadow is warm inside
This is where I feel at home, this is my place to hide

This is dedicated to the kids
Dedicated to where the music lives
Dedicated to those tired of the same old scene
And dedicated to the people advanced in the game
What's real is the kids who know that something's wrong
What's real is the kids who think they don't belong
What's real is the kids who have nowhere to run
Who are hiding in the shadows waiting for the sun

This is dedicated to the kids
Dedicated to where the music lives
Dedicated to those tired of the same old scene
And dedicated to the people advanced in the game
What's real, everybody who doesn't feel safe
What's real, everybody who knows they're out of place
What's real, anybody with nowhere to run
Who hides in the shadows waiting for the sun

_LP

Posted by Johnny at 02:15 AM | Comments (0)

June 16, 2003

busyness

lazy to busy... hehe. well i been busy wit a lotta things lately. sorta sux, my schedule is gettin fuller. damnit. not as much time for leasure pursuits such as this. had a busy weekend too. also... someone that i thought was outta my life for good, contacted me yesterday, saying they missed me. all i can really say to that is wtf... considering the last time i spoke to them they told me to fuck off and that was it. no this isn't you amy i'm reffering to (or some kinda twisted view of our past relationship), and its not somone that most any of you know, their not from UConn either. but eh... its just got me confused and thinking. so yea... lol. more confused about the persons intentions... not so much my own take on them, cause that hasn't changed. a lot of things have changed in my life recently... new relationships, new college in the fall, new major too... even a new haircut.. ha! the one thing that i thought would top it off.. well i didn't expect that. but i got it, most unexpectedly too... i got a new car. i saved up... been working more hours and takin care to keep my budget tight... and well i got a 97 jetta trek. semi-used but its in great condition. i gotta replace the antena... add in a cd changer... and i'm gonna get new tires/rims (the rims are the one sized down above). i figured that i needed new tires as is... why not at least make em look good. hehe. shits gonna be blingin yo. its a 5spd manual trans... i absolutely love that shit so its great to drive. all that has been keepin my busy. also, tomorrow is my bros graduation from high school. fuckin scary to me... means i'm gettin old. lol! or at least it means that he ain't the lil kid he used to be... he growin up n goin to college n all. time flies... it sure fucking does. i suppose i am having my own 'new beginning' in my own right. seems to be working out quite well so far... and like i've said before, its only up from here. on that note, adieu... theres prolly more but i can't think of it now.

_ Johnny

(eiffel65 - new life)

ps... j3nn wtf are j00 git back onlinel! hope things wit ***** or whoever it is this week are well.. lata babeh

Posted by Johnny at 04:39 PM | Comments (3)

June 13, 2003

lazyness...

i been lazy, shit happens. i haven't been feelin like posting. i'll be the first to admit it(and frankly the only one lol). so yea. been tired too. need sleep, just not in the mood rite now. so i made up a nice lil header for the site, guess its not bad. prolly could use some work, cause i'm madd tired, not my best work. and i'm not feelin to philisophical rite now. so what am i feelin, good question. my current state is pretty damn good. feelin up about life n all. ha, hard to believe. i been down for my reasons lately, most of uz know why. but new college, new major, that sorta means new life don't it? i like the idea, leavin a lot behind tho. working on all of that... its coming along well. shit, guess i can't talk without being philosophical, wtf? dub i dub. thats fucking why... actually i have no idea. really, i don't. i'm just good at sounding so, and blabbing a lot. which is fucking evident when i'm tired. for instance, now. well i've had some nice quotes over the past few days, even one pertaining to this blog. thnx to my semi-anonymous conversationalists and viewers. and i noticed that my lil 'story' or whatever the fuck that was, didn't go over all too well. sorta sucked, i put a lil into it. but shit it was total crap. i've toyed with even deleting the post. sorta hella outta place. so we'll see. still haven't fix0rd the mailserver. we'll see tho, not all my job there. but i gotta learn it all tho. for just knowing purposes, always good to know some of this shit i figure, least thats what some ppl tell me. well i'll bring the rambling too an end, too bad i'm not drunk, cause this'd be better.

_ Johnny

(crazy town - players)
Posted by Johnny at 01:49 AM | Comments (0)

June 11, 2003

bleh...

argh... been busy as fuck the last few days... wit work n projects. and now... i have to move this entire site to a new box. that pisses me off... as of now the data is there, but i gotta move the sql dbs, import em, and re-setup all the dnsing.. and the forum, gallery... um, well fuck. i have to re-setup everything. and i'm just to fried to do it atm. tomorrow is another day, work'll be slow prolly. so plenty of time there. ilmb97vwjt5s hehe... maybe i'll splain that soon. if i'm up to it, so daily shit now, imma try. pz, busy day tomorrow.

_ Johnny

Posted by Johnny at 02:14 AM | Comments (4)

June 07, 2003

questions...

to blog? or not to blog? that is the question. whether tis nobler in my mind to suffer the slings and arrows of social persecution. or to take up my keyboard against this web of troubles, and by posting end them. to type... to sleep... no more... well i suppose that sets the tone for the rest of this post. i've ran this over in my head almost a day now. and not much has changed. tho i've even gotten a few comments on what i had to say. some people seem to agree, never woulda saw that coming. actually had a rather blah day today. allowed for all this 'thinking' time. hrm... now do i wanna get all philosophical again? or just blab on about my day. i suppose its that control thing (philospophical it is). that i am the media, the director, the artist, in esscence the writer. you the audience, the reader; held captive by my everyword, if you so choose to be. there are skeptics and critics out there enow. that being what i am trying to figure out. you can't so much deny it, we all have our critics. family members, friends (true or otherwise), confidants, and of course those opposed to us; enemies in plain terms, but more those who hold some sort of dislike towards us individually. i know i have mine. funny thing is i'm sure that some of you reading all this are included in that. i would be naive to think otherwise. prejudice is a funny emotion. it is that in our day and age is it not? i suppose that 'notion' has come a long way. deep rooted hatred and unnecessary history lessons aside. the point of conversing over this topic for me lies within the fact that i can't open up here because of these prejudices, these hatreds, these critics. the worst thing is that i'm not afraid for myself. apparently i'm too fucking good natured for that. i'm more concerned herein about the impact upon others, the audience here. its a vicious cycle ain't it. protecting those that would want nothing more than to hurt me or my life. wtf is wrong with me? truth be known i'm not sure. but if i was now i wouldn't be talkin about this shit would i? could likely rant on this for another hour, seems possible. but worth it? not tonite. here's to being philosophical, adieu.

_ Johnny

Posted by Johnny at 03:43 AM | Comments (1)

June 06, 2003

reasoning sux

well... i thought of this as a good idea. a place for me to post, and let out my inner thoughts, my feelings, my rantings, my conflicts, my everything, my being. seemed like a great idea. then i realized the baring of myself to you, the 'internet' but mainly to the masses that do know me would in many ways to me be harmful. and likely to others. that level of comfort lies within me about this project. but my 'logical' instinct, be it that or not so logical, just won't allow it. so i ask, wherein is the purpose for this? if there is no freedom, there is no security in the words i type. there are so many things to talk about, life, relationships, work, shit... even school. so many things i could now bare to this world. that i suppose i deam ready to be said, but not ready to be heard. do i distrust the world and my fellow inhabitants that much? in this moment i have to answer yes to that. shit, i don't want to, but for me i suppose its self preservation. what you don't know, can't hurt you. or can it? do i have that much to hide? no; no more than any other person. just the people i know aren't ready to hear what i have to say. does this make me powerful? by putting me in a position to uter words that touch the soul, and others that may be brushed off at first glance. how far does this distrust reach into my soul, my being? in baring this much, i'd say pretty fucking deep. 'i trust myself implicitly' name the movie eh? prolly more than one... thats a lil vague. for now then, there is information that lies within me, things i've said, heard, felt, seen, etc that will for the time being stay right there. there are a chosen few i have trusted with bits of this, mainly people that none of the rest of you viewing this know. for some reason... it all makes sense tho... but people that you don't see day to day, people u don't actually know all the time, they, they can make the best listeners and practitioners of advice. unbiased opinions are great, what i suppose we all look for in seeking council in another human being. but i've found, time and time again. that some people do not posess that quality. beit genetic or aquired. and that is one reason i'm holding back, if u can call it that. i have considered the outcomes of my speeches, my rantings, my professions of heart. the effects catostrophic? well... if they are gonna be public, they're gonna be here. shit, i didn't even say anything i wanted to.

_ Johnny

look @ the extended entry for a bit more on this... apparently this looking at the 'big picture' as some would call it, isn't a new idea. imagine that...

we succeeded in taking that picture [from deep space], and, if you look at it, you see a dot. that's here. that's home. that's us. on it, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever lived, lived out their lives. the aggregate of all our joys and sufferings, thousands of confident religions, ideologies and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilizations, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every hopeful child, every mother and father, every inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every superstar,every supreme leader, every saint and sinner in the history of our species, lived there on a mote of dust, suspended in a sunbeam.
the earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that in glory and in triumph they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of the dot on scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner of the dot. how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this point of pale light.
our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. in our obscurity -- in all this vastness -- there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. it is up to us. it's been said that astronomy is a humbling, and i might add, a character-building experience. to my mind, there is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. to me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly and compassionately with one another and to preserve and cherish that pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.

reflections on a mote of dust - carl sagan

Posted by Johnny at 01:08 AM | Comments (3)

June 05, 2003

fix0ring...

ok well... another boring day spent @home. well... least i got shit to do to gimme somethin to do. finshed settin up the CS servers for a few minefields clients early on. been just fiddlin with shit since then, redid some of the template here, figured out a few things. trashed the old blog.echodrive.com , moved this from mt.echodrive.com to just plain echodrive.com. and then here we are. the blog on my main site, with all the links to the other stuffs here below. i sorta got sick of that off color bar i made for links n shit on that site :/ pissed me off. so all that shit is gone, welcome to the new echodrive.com a blog of all things. sorry josh, i needed somethin other than a splash page to throw up here, needed to have somethin with a lil more content. moveable type is kewl so far, a lot more customizable, as well as expandale. so i'll be usin this blog. thnx goto momo for bein the only one to comment on my away msg last nite and i just sorta made the decision this afternoon. its sorta sad, i get bored, i do webdesign and weblogs and apps n shit :/ here's to that!

_ Johnny

(puddle of mudd - control)

btw... if anyone wants a blog of their own or somethin drop me an email only person i'm thinking of extending this invitation to on my own is my good friend jenn... latas

Posted by Johnny at 03:45 PM | Comments (1)

postin

hookin up moveable type and gettin this blog goin... lets see how this one works too... and i might move it over to blog.echodrive.com ... that one is sorta cheesy, but its simple and it works. so here is the first post on this blog, its a lot more customizable. so lets see how it is.

_ Johnny

Posted by Johnny at 01:40 AM | Comments (1)